I love the world of Valorant, but it’s time for me to uninstall and move on as I have with other games that I love the worlds of like Overwatch and League of Legends. Much like those other games I’ll continue to be very fond of the characters of Valorant who are quite colorful, eccentric, and gay. I feel a closeness with them after playing the game for over 3 years. As I remove this timesink from my life in favor of preparing to need that time for child care as a parent soon I ask myself this about those characters I cherish: would I trust any of them to watch my child?
Would you let any of these murderers into your home? They are all criminals or soldiers or a combination of the two, but if you even gave this lot a chance at watching your child how would any of them do? I think this is something, especially with the wisdom of my Valorant pals, that I can solve for you. Pack your bags and head out leaving your child with someone who may have detonated explosives after killing 5 people just hours before pulling into your driveway. Which Valorant agent would be a good babysitter? (Note: The agents below are sorted only by tiers, not individually.)
D Tier Babysitters: Your Child Will Learn A Bad Behavior That Will Take Years To Undo
It’s pretty certain that your child will survive the day, but there could be cuts or bruises from letting them try juggling knives or something. These aren’t people I would trust with my kid.
Iso
Your child is a Gamer™ now. I’m very sorry. And I don’t mean a gamer, but a Gamer™ so go ahead and start queueing up things to help them understand why they can’t say things like that to other people. If you prefer you could ban them from any online accounts in advance just to save time.
Breach
This man has at least four flags ziptied to the back of his pick-up truck and they all say exactly what you think a rural American’s flag collection would say. Family gatherings are no longer enjoyable because your child is indoctrinated and has a lot of bad opinions on politics.
Jett
When you come home you’ll hear both of them saying swears really loudly just for fun while playing with knives. Knives are cool, but probably not irresponsibly in a childcare setting. That’s for teenagers behind a warehouse, not for your baby.
Yoru
I don’t have a specific idea of what Yoru taught your kid, but you will just have a general sense that your kid sucks now. Also Yoru took all the money on the counter, but fed your child whatever expired box of noodles he found in the back of your pantry uncooked.
KAY/O
I think KAY/O isn’t necessarily a bad individual, but he is a literal killing machine. I don’t know if KAY/O is even capable of changing a diaper or not handing over grenades to “prepare for battle.”
C Tier Babysitters : Your Child Is Not In Quality Care
These folks are better at taking care of your child, but are flawed at it for a couple of reasons such as being very scary or British.
Phoenix
Phoenix whips fire around for fun and just kinda does whatever he wants. Minions will be turned off so that he can watch The Expendables 4. Also, he is British.
Neon
While she is probably the most qualified C-Tier Babysitter she is also 19 and barely knows how to take care of herself. She is also covered in electricity which I’d question the safety of.
Cypher
This man has a quote in the game about using photos of his opponent’s families for his benefit. It’s incredibly likely that he already has photos of your child saved on a hard drive somewhere, but I’d rather not give him personal access. He’s pleasant and capable, but creepy and is toobusy puttings cameras all over your house to actually care for your kid.
Fade
Her reputation is that of a scary lady and that’s probably because she’s living her best goth life while harnessing the darkness. When she isn’t conjuring nightmare creatures Fade could probably watch your child effectively. The nightmare creatures is a big problem, unfortunately.
Omen
Again, you probably don’t want a nightmare person being in charge of your child. If you got to know eachother and had the utmost assurance that no shadow realm powers would be used in your home then maybe Omen and Fade go up a tier or two. Your kid is just going to be terrified that first time and Omen and Fade probably won’t get a second chance.
B Tier Babysitters: “Back in my day we played outside all day until dinner!”
Being in touch with nature is one thing, but their idea of babysitting most likely includes being in the general vicinity and making the kid play outside while they do something else.
Sova
Did you play God of War (2018) where Kratos takes the boy out hunting and yells at him and makes him kill the deer while looking it in the eye and then the boy has to carry and prepare and cook the deer? Sova will do all of that but from a distance using a drone to survey the child and make sure they’re safe.
Skye
With Skye we’re going to respect nature, get out of this stuffy house and enjoy the weather no matter what. Things like sunscreen and earmuffs are not used by her. The ability to conjure a dog or a bird, kind of like Banjo-Kazooie, will entertain and wow your child, but maybe that doesn’t have to happen for 12 hours straight in the woods.
Harbor
You wrote a checklist of things to do and Harbor is going to respectfully ignore it so that he and your child can go look for treasure. At some point he’ll remember that he has to feed your child and can’t just splash his puddle magic as a replacement for a meal.
Brimstone
Any phone numbers or instructions you wrote is too small for him to read, but he remembers back in his day how kids were taken care of. He will do a good job, but he also will use very outdated methods that is considered negligent today.
Deadlock
Her entire ability toolkit is designed to put your kid into baby jail. That includes mandatory foraging and hiking or else they go into baby jail. Again, your child is safe, but this isn’t cozy at all.
A Tier: Your Child Is Being Cared For
These five will do the job well, but some of their methods and motives might be questionable. I would call them again, but ask them to consider leaving some of their gadgets behind for the next time.
Killjoy
This is my favorite character in the game and I love how sassy and smart she is. I’m not convinced she has ever seen a baby, but she would know what to do with one. Her passion for science and tinkering could lead to some questionable safety for the child, but it’ll all be fine because
Raze
…her partner would show up and they would watch the kid together. When babysitting alone, Raze might want to show your child some explosives, but I feel like she knows to keep it more on the fireworky side and less on the “how to detonate your neighbor’s car” side. Oh, to have your gay wine aunts babysit for you.
Viper
Very strict vibes that can lead to angry outbursts aside, Viper has the capacity to identify who she likes and be caring for them. Please interview Viper and meet at a neutral site with the child before giving her the job, but if that goes well then your child will be in good hands. If she brings the toxins to the interview then politely thank her for her time.
Reyna
Lets put aside the fact that Reyna has killed many people for their life force that she uses while cackling and asking for more of their delicious energy. She has a little sister that she takes very good care of (you know, with all the life energy from her murders) so you know you’re getting a very experienced caregiver.
Chamber
Lets get the cons out of the way before the pros. Yes, he’s French. He’s also a weapons dealer and has probably done some not so great things. More importantly, he slays. Your child is going to be the fanciest and most stylish boss in a good way, but also he probably sees your child as an ugly peasant that needs a glow-up more than someone he’s taking caring for.
S Tier Babysitters: 5 Star Sitters
These are the three who I would call and eagerly invite back to watch my child. I know under their care that my child will be safe, enriched, and happy.
Sage
This might be the healer trope speaking, as I would feel similarly about Mercy Overwatch or Sona Leagolegends, but Sage is a nurturing and caring soul that will use her powers to protect your child. She is also just a calming and kind person who exhibits more than any other agent those traditional grandmotherly qualities that you look for in a babysitter. She also has a gun, but so does everyone else.
Astra
I think Astra is cool as heck. She’s happy, stylish, and able to enter the different planes of reality. As an astral guardian she is well suited to protecting and caring for others, including your baby. Also her abilities are very colorful and bright colors are very good for a child’s development. Fade is a sad beige mom, but Astra is a peppy colorful mom.
Gecko
The lad is pregnant with multiple goo creatures that he is also friends with. Your child will get to hang out with a really cool guy and his four Pokémon, who would all be great for kids of all ages. His most famous pal, Wingman, is basically a cool 5 year old doing their best to plant or defuse bombs for the team. He is babysitting on a daily basis. His personality is chill and positive. Gecko is probably the best babysitter choice as well as one of the best rolemodels. Hire this lad.
